So even though I don't post often (not sure if anyone actually reads it), if you do read it you know my posts have always been to update you all about what is happening with myself, Mary, and Meagan. Well, not this post. Several reasons for that, one being that right now it seems that other things are more important now. Maybe not more important, but just different. For those who do read (because I know only family members know about my blog), you already know that we lost a loved family member to a terrible tragedy that has had a tremendous impact on our family as a whole. It has changed all of our lives forever.
Secondly, my sister Sue (who has her own blog) has inspired me with how powerful her posts are. She has a way with words and just putting it together that is just incredible. She has been able to share, inspire, and inform with her posts while still dealing with the tragedy that I know has greatly impacted her. She has had a lot of things to deal with in her life and always finds a way to help her get through it. She is always trying to look forward and looking for ways to improve herself and her family. Her willingness to share that insight with everyone and try to help others (including myself) help themselves just shows what a tremendously caring person she is. I wish I had that gift. Her last 2 posts have had such an impact on me that I have read them over and over again; they are helping me in my grieving process and for that I will be forever grateful. I wish I could do that kind of magic with words.
My sister Jill, the strongest person I know. While she is my "little" sister I have secretly always looked up to her and her approach to life. She is caring, funny, smart, and always just tells it how it is. She is a true "Irishman" as she can tell you to go to hell in a way that you look forward to the trip. In that way I always wished I could be more like her; just say what I always feel and not care what people think. My heart aches for her daily and what she must be going through, and that I cannot be by her side 24/7 to help is just so tough. But I know that is not my role and I am better with being okay with that. She is strong and while this is the hardest test of her life, I know she is going to make it through and be better than okay. Every day that she wakes up and gets out of bed, she inspires me. If she can do that after this terrible, terrible tragedy then I have no reason for not doing some of the things I used to make excuses not to do.
Myself, how am I handling all of this???? I really don't know. I get up, I go to work, I do my daily thing and then all of the sudden: BAMMMM!!! It hits me over the head like a sledgehammer and all my thoughts of I'm ok I'm dealing with this alright just go away because it brings me back to the reality of what has happened and also a state of disbelief. While I think I have gained some perspective and clarity on some things; there are also so many unanswered questions that make all of that go away at times. At times I feel clueless, lost, and just not sure that I am moving forward. I believe that we will all move forward and get to where we need to be, but it has to be together. God has really tested my faith, and I have to continue to believe in what I always have.
Those who really know me, know this is not like me to share this kind of stuff but to be quite honest; while I was unsure at first about this and just starting writing not sure if I'd actually share it; it has made me feel better and maybe it can help someone else (even though nobody will probably read it, just knowing it's out there makes me feel better).
Secret note to my sisters, I love you both and if anything good can come of this I hope that it will bring us closer as we all rely on each other to help us all deal with this and get through it together and make "our family" as strong as it can be.
New Names, Making Movies, and Apples
11 years ago
